Perception

exactly how many times do you have to be forgiven
for things that are totally out of your control
you can only hope that things fall in place.
you can only hope your plan unfolds
i mean, like really, no one wants to hurt, or to be hurt
no one wants to watch the person you love be dug into the dirt
to feel betrayed, or misunderstood
you know damn well things are innocent
and that your heart is good
 but explain it to me how it is you are not able to show them your truth
because of it you are not able to truly be you
so the lie that you end up telling is the lie
that you are happy with yourself.
and you ARE happy, but you are empty
you know the one thing that you think you need
is the thing that you truly need
but are afraid to move forward to be what, deep
in your soul you are needing to be
but you can not share that with the one that you love
because of the other foolishness you do in place of
what you are suppose to be doing because you are truly an idiot
though after it is presented, you admit it
and everything that you have built, and all that you are, becomes
null and void,
because although innocent, yet improper temptations
you did not avoid
all because it looked like something that it was not
now it is all fucked up,  i mean was messed up
in the eye of deception, but
no one ever thought about it's perceived perception
"xpressurself"

11/10/2014

"Purple..........."

  

The color of Purple……..

The color of Royalty… Power… Divinity

This color has become made the color of power, because

Once upon a time, it was so expensive that only

The most wealthy, and Powerful could afford it

While us peasants would see it, and we just simply adored it

Intrigued, what is the big deal

It is only a color, pure and full of exposure waiting to be revealed

So my curiosity got the best of me,

I took the color of purple and laid it on a table

And I extracted the color the best that I was able

and the first thing extracted, gave me a sense of disgrace

when I truly looked upon its face…….

The color that came out

had the face temporarily suffused with blood, being a sign of anger, and shame

as after committing murder, embarrassed that I do not even know my own name

clinging to rage after looking at my ancestors….. what strange fruit.

WE ARE ALREADY DEAD, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SHOOT???

Now the color of sadness has just overcome me

My past, all of sudden shadows me

I looked in the mirror at me

And all of the sorrow that covers me

I should be stronger than what has suppressed me

Damn near at a stage of depression, because of what I just seen

The pain of watching my Savior that is about to die for me

Dressed with the color of “ROYALTY

The color Purple is death, blood, rage, and sorrow to me

red and blue, painfully…sorrowfully…..  joyfully

“xpressurslf

i am Sorry....... **********************

^{Titus 2:
6} Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. ⁷ In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness ⁸ and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.

a letter to the next generation....

First of all,
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE for not being what i have told YOU to be
i have been quick to tell you to control your self and hold a good amount of accountability
Stand tall, stand for something, stand when you feel like falling
stiff'n up that bottom lip, "TALK WITH YOUR CHEST" when you are talking
i have told you to be responsible for whatever it is you have done 
lead our women, making them believe in us again, and start by being examples to your sons
I remember saying you should not give anyone a reason to say anything bad about you
even though at times a man has to do what a man has to do.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE for being a hypocrite in the house of the Lord
i paid more tribute to money and women, steady trying to bring more and more aboard
i stood in that pulpit with the Bible in my hand
"Preaching" sound doctrine, yet failing miserably as a Godly man
Well now i am asking for your forgiveness; and i reach out my hand to you
We all make mistakes, and i bid you not to do what i have done to you
I have led you away from believing that there is hope, but the end is not yet here
Along with your forgiveness, let's make the air clear
I wish you not to make the same mistakes i did, so allow me to lead
for i am "your Elder" and i am willing to lay my pride down for you, like i wish my elders would have done for me.
"xpressurself"

i just want some sleep............

i would give anything to be able to drift away to a place of pure nothingness
to lay my entire being to the side of the banks of space, with grace
having the feeling that i am literally on the moon, in a state of oblivious-ness
no stress, no wondering, no sight, no thought intent
gravity is not even a mere thought or option, as a matter of fact, it is non existent...
i do not want to be able to think about the things that have had me bogged down
this past day,,
thinking about the bullshit my co-worker had to say
not wanting to think about why i had to give the bird to a driver during my commute home
so much to do, so little time to do it, feeling i am riding this wave alone
 i wish it was already next week, i want to put so many things behind
but nnnnnoooooooooooo, my ass is counting with the clock on the wall, sharing its moment in time
i would give anything to be able to drift away to a place of pure nothingness, my eyes are already weak
I just want to get me some sleep.....

"xpressurself"

Full Service Potential

INSPIRE ME

PICK ME APART, STUDY AND DESIRE ME

I AM UP FOR THE JOB, AND YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO FIRE ME

AFTER YOU MAKE YOUR MIND UP TO HIRE ME

NEED ME

MY GOD HAS MADE A POINT TO PROCEED WITH ME

ORDERING MY STEPS, ONWARD MARCHING WITH ME

SO IT IS UP TO YOU TO SEE IN ME THAT LIGHT FOR YOU TO WANT TO TRUST ME

FEEL ME

GO WITHIN MY OUTER LAYERS AND THE PAIN THAT LIES WITHIN ME

AND SOON YOU WILL BEGIN TO ACTUALLY SEE ME

AND YOUR EYES WILL BE MY EYES; NOW SEE WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE ME

TEACH ME

ALLOW YOUR INNER DESIRES TO BE DELIVERED TO ME

MY HEART, MY BODY, MY MIND IS WHAT YOU WILL RECEIVE FROM ME

WHEN YOU EXPOSE WHAT I NEED TO DO TO  SEDUCE YOU MENTALLY

USE ME

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY SERVICE, MY GOD GIVEN SERVICE GIVEN TO ME

I WAS MADE TO PLEASE YOU, WITH THE INFORMATION YOU HAVE GIVEN TO ME

TAKE ME HOW YOU WANT ME, AND YOU WILL NEVER REGRET ACCEPTING ME

SUBMIT TO ME

WHEN I CALL TO YOU, I NEED YOU TO COME TO ME!

OPEN; EXCITED; ANTICIPATING, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO EXPECT FROM ME.

YOU PLEADING WITH ME; ANXIOUS TO BE PLEASED..... FROM ALL THAT YOU TAUGHT ME

“xpressurself”

THIS bitch right HERE.............

Caught between a rock and opportunity

Being under fire by much scrutiny

I have no choice but wonder, GOD

What are you doing to me

I want to be able to take steps, and keep on walking

 But this bitch, called my past, keeps passing my way, mocking

for what reason is it she keeps stalking

Back in the day, she keeps on involving

My desire to just live, keeps evolving, and evolving

The scrutiny of my past, while it continues revolving

What fuck'n solution is it solving

I take 3 steps forward, and she appears, balking

On-watchers are watching and talking

Some with their tongues hanging out, gawking

You may think I am complaining, and squawking

But this bitch called my past is a donkey

I constantly close the door, but here she comes knocking

With a plethora of bullshit, they be just standing around flocking

But guess what, I see you looking with your looking ass, gawking

You over there blocking with your blocking ass, blocking

Being messy, with your messy ass, talking

But I am about to rise with my uplifted ass balling

In my closet praying with my praying ass, stalling

Waiting for my Savior, as he saves; I am applauding

Hands up to My FATHER in Heaven, lauding

Caught between a rock and opportunity

Being under fire by so much scrutiny

I have no choice but praise HIM, GOD

Thank you for what you have done to me

“xpressurself”

The Healing Music......

The music was loud, and it grabbed her
took her all across the floor
because that groove made her escape everything
that stood between her happiness, and the otherside of that door

Monday was the day when she came to her senses, and for the
first time in 10 years she could think
she never thought her problems was that bad, though
she was never given a real chance to blink
A beautiful middle aged woman, 5 kids, 3 different
baby fathers
One of them was an already a married man, the other
two metrosesexual ass busters, really just needed their
egos altered
She handled what she needed to handle, as far as the business
part of this mess
but she really was not sure about how to deal with the
other parts of her stress
The married man used her for a while, one of the other two and she became really
good friends
He did what he was suppose to be doing, and never disrespected
now nor then.
The other prick, use to beat her
controlled her thoughts, and continued too mistreat her
he came around when he felt he'd need her
if she slightly raised her voice he would  get her
She would go to work bruised up, from the neck down,
never showing that her baby daddy was mistreating her
but once or twice a week, this dude would commence to beating her

This is not a case where she is to be judged, but to just listen
to her about where she has been
I mean, she is looking at herself in the mirror. you should
stand beside her, while she is letting you in

At the age of 10, her uncle would do a 3some with her
and his baby mother
At the time, she did not realize it wasn't a normal thing
seeing that her Aunt did not seem bothered
Until she was 15 years old, she was a concubine to her only living blood
relative
and YES, THIS IS A TRUE STORY, so before you take your judgement
medicine
Her uncle use to tell her daily, that he loved her, and that he was teaching
her how to fuck her man
He also told her, when she became involved with someone, she would
then comprehensively understand
When she turned 16 years old, her uncle was killed
by 3 shots to the chest
I.E., her first and  2nd baby daddy, The married man, and that asshole
that causes her stress.
Some trains are not good to ride on, get off if you can not
take the ride
well, to shorten the story a bit, she was able to get away for a while to hide
She seeked guidance from the church, but they would beat her upside the head
with the Bible
They would tell her, she needed to change her life, or go to Hell, and they felt
their guidance was viable.
She attempted to seek refuge from the small time knuckle head
from the block
He only hustled, just to make a living, but he was the one that showed her
to Christ, and helped make her past nightmares stop
He helped her get her life straight, and straight she certainly did do
Her new friend taught her what it was like to breathe, and what it was to be
a friend; true
after years of healing, and finding herself, all she really just
wanted to do was dance
she started popping her butt, bouncing up and bouncing down
representing her shaking that stench off of her ass
SSSSSSOOOOOO,
he took her out on the town, JUSTso she could............... dance

The music was loud, and it grabbed her
took her all across the floor
because that groove made her escape everything
that stood between her happiness, and what she left behind,
on the other side of the door.
"xpressurself"

Not my fight.......

I stand as a man, broken
standing on the lines waiting for battle, bold,
My weapon in my hand, i am holding

waiting for the moment when my inner beast is unleashed
Thanks to God, i have been on a tight leash
but, i feel he is waiting for me to make sure i am ready, so I can stand on my own feet

 well, that moment is here, and I am ready to stand
as a man, I stand, fighting on God's given land
broken, with my heart beating the beat of Hallelujah, praising HIM in advance

(just like said Tupac said)
"We bomb first when we ride
Please, reconsider before you die
We ain't even come to hurt nobody tonight
But it's my life or your life, and I'mma bomb first"

ready to shoot with my pistol speaker
be careful, because when it is unloaded it is like a furnace heater
With my conglomerate behind me, Mathew, Mark, Luke, John,
and my Lieutenant Peter

i have been given my opportunity to strike
my own has declared war against me,
coming from the left and the right
but, God told me and my crew, HOLD ONTO MY WORD,
AND BUT YE STILL, FOR THIS IS MY BATTLE TO FIGHT

For HE knew we had no might against vast enemy, surrounding us around  front to the back
and they were preparing themselves, getting ready for the attack
TAKE YOUR POSITIONS, STANDING FIRM, FEAR NOT FOR WHAT YOU LACK

WHEN I TELL YOU, MARCH DOWN AGAINST THEM
THEY WILL BE COMING AROUND THE MOUNTAIN OF ZIZ
AND MY DELIVERANCE IS SUFFICIENT ENOUGH TO GET THEM

so we did as instructed, stood firm as we were told
ready to move, attitudes bold
fire in our eyes, breathing hell's fire, hearts cold

My hand still on my weapon, my Bible, my sword
anxious, though i knew i did not have to really deal with the hoard
days later, the battle has ended, what a mighty God i serve, My God, I thank you
 My Lord
"xpressurself"

It's only you............

I love this woman, truly I do

but i really just don't get it

With blood, sweat, and tears i try my best

and my best has gotten US to this

This is my Queen, my soul, my air

and i just encouraged her to leave

Was it my OWN ambitions that drove her away

so I could be what I wanted to be

Test me, LORD, and try me,

 examine my heart and my mind

For I will be mindful of you and your

unfailing love, I promise to get it right this time

i want her back, i need her back

Father please give me what it is I lack

I am nothing without my air, and i

need my breath back

TDM.

Cold and Damaged

I didn’t lose it

It is not lost, I still carry it around with me

I damaged it

I allowed things to go in a direction that things should not be

This shit hurts

Although I have played big parts in it’s destruction

This shit hurts

Just like a vice grip squeezing my life tight, my insides are malfunctioned

Ice has no chill

My heart has been chilled, not even the fire from hell could melt it

Just a matter of time

Yea, easier said than done, obviously this shit right here, you have never felt it

I didn’t lose

It is not lost, I still carry it around with me

But, whats wrong with me

No matter what  I do, or how good I treat them, the same outcome, I need refuge to take me

A Good guy

A good guy gone bad, I call it like I see it

Confused as hell

What was it this time, too nice, not considerate enough, did I say something and you not believe it

I did not lose it

It is not lost, I just put that bitch up, I still carry it around with me

M.I.A.

Am I really that bad to where they really just do not want stick around with me?

I did not lose it

I locked it away, and I swallowed the key

“xpressurself”

Wash Me

please forgive me for my sins caused daily
why cant i take advantage of the fact that you saved me
another chance on life you continually gave me
yet i mess it up, continually; daily

Satan has his hands on me tight
for whatever reason i just can not get it right
no matter how much i get into the fight
i snuggle right into the hype

I need you Father, indeed I do
i need you to send me every part of you
cover me with your spirit, i need you to hold me too
and do not stop until you are through

Wash me with the blood of your son
for the victory is already won
so before the rest of my life goes on
take charge until my life is done

Wash me with your blood, for Christ you are my Savior
I make this a request, this is not a favor
Cleanse me from my stupidity and reckless behavior
 MY GOD, what a sweet and pleasant savor.

I thank you for your Love for me that shows me no harm
from the scars on your head, to the holes in your feet and your palms
the price you have paid for me, you have paid it all
surround me with your protection, and forgive me when i fall

Wash me with the blood of Jesus Christ
guide my hands when i begin to write
I decrease, I am empty, I am weak with strife
Wash me white as snow, and fill me with YOUR might
"xpressurself"

calmly contemplating........

I calmly sat in front of the table
contemplating my first reaction

i was cool, calm and collected
my mannerism was of a gentleman like fashion

I had been waiting a little over 20 minutes
that was way too long for me

but what was i going to do,
get up and leave before we planned to meet

no, I stayed patiently awaiting
and finally you appeared

SOMETHING was gonna be wrong,
that was my main fear

When you came to the table,
 a huge cheese came across my face

I prayed before i made a move
then jumped into action with haste

I tried to maintain my stance
but my weakness made me stumble

I just love that early taste of
Cracker Barrel's Belgium Waffles........
"xpressurself"

Kissing you......

To be able to just kiss you.
to be able to draw every inch of energy from
my body, mentally, and emotionally just to place it
on the tip of your lips
now i hope you don't flip
but i would love to gently taste
your lips, with the tip of my tongue
and for a brief moment, connect with you
emotionally
yea i know we have not yet gone there, and i thought about
thinking rationally
but i am just not the type of person to
promote logic when it has to do with matters of the heart
so before you and I start
What if I did kiss you? How would your body react?
would you want to hold on a little closer...... tighter... fingers gripping the center of my back
as i hold you closer.... tighter as i pull you closer to me, at the small of your back
to release the tension of the day, and release with the sexual curiosity
of feeling us close and intertwined to each other
you wondering what it feels like? the two of us .........together (biting lip)
what if you kissed me? how would it be?
I will keep a towel handy, in case you end up a bit......................................
next time we meet, please allow me to kiss you, as you kiss me
what an interesting moment that will be
so come, and kiss me.
"xpresurself"

I Compromised

I compromised
I took for granted the fact that you would always be right there by my side
I put aside the one thing that you gave me, and left my heart and soul open wide

I compromised
out of me being human, and in need of something that you already told me, you would give
I ended up placing you second, taking a bold, yet stupid chance of my life standing completely still

I compromised
I gave your promises to me a chair on the back seat while placing uncertainty by my side
and i gave those promises of what i believed in, to the needy and unconcerned, and instead received flat lies

I compromised
I guess i was hoping that i could create something solid, which first, was my biggest mistake
There was not a nothingness to make, so i should have been working on ways to go from good,
working on making it great

I compromised
and Father I ask for your forgiveness for placing you on the back burner of my life
From this day forward, it will never happen again, I won't even have to think twice
"xpressurself"

I Made You.... My god ** read and decide ***

And all of these things I praised about you

Your hair was the biography of you.
It told the story about your years of suffering
your sickness, your strength, your faithful struggle of mothering
being a Lioness to your cubs
protecting them in a way that ONLY you saw fit
it was you alone, and no one else could say shit

Your voice, so soothing to the ears, loving the way
you could even characterize a sneeze making it
an ease to listen to.
I cherished you.
I idolized you. You were my sin.
day out and day in.
I wanted to spend each moment, each opportunity
with you.
and it was all so cool.

and it seems that each time i tried to place you and God
in the same reference.
each time i did, i damaged a little bit of my own substance.
I made you my voice.
You took the place of my Heavenly Father,
even when i TOLD you i gotta get my stuff right.
You were good with that, but it ended up, you and i
spending the night
either on the phone, or somewhere alone.

I was never made to bow to you, or to totally submit to you
but just as the church was nurtured, i was made to love you
My jealous god was not the one that spared HIS life
My jealous god was the one i had thoughts of making my wife
And my Jealous GOD was not becoming jealous anymore, HE was

\becoming my furious GOD
But, because HE loves me so much, He told me to wait a minute and think
about what you are doing
and i realized that in fact, the only thing i was doing was losing.
all of that just for you to tell me, fuck me
because you say i did not show enough concern for you, you no longer wanted me
Now the question became, which god, Which GOD,  is worth placing on hold
i may be crazy, but i can wait on being humiliated, but to put away My Father: i dare not be so bold...
"xpressurself"

Worn Down......... **************^^^^^^^^^^***************

Sometimes the fight that is in you,

It wears on your whole body

Becoming drained

Feeling the pain

With not enough strength to sustain

Yet the reign of your super powers, are questioned

By the ones that depend on you.

You are a superman, no weakness is in you.

Becoming a fool of your own expectations

drowning in a pool of failed patience;

it wears on you
 ain't no love deep enough to accept
this type of bullshit, and deal with it by yourself

We procreate our own existence.

And we move on our paths with persistence.

BUT how easy it is for all of that to be diminished

By YOUR ass

Yes you…. “Negativity………”

Negativity is kryptonite to Superman.

And no matter how much it is fought

That rock, that person, that situation, that small

Piece of drama can fuck up everything that you stand for

If you let it.

I have learned to look to the hills for my help

And it seems like I will be forced to make that trip up by my damn self

With only God’s help

Up that mountain (not around it, but head-on), down that sea shore

And in the name of Jesus, I will claim my victory, and that negativity 
that was so piercing to my side, will be no more

“xpressurself”