Tuggle War

I had a dream last night...

I went into the bedroom

No intentions at all, except to lay down,

to rest my mind.... and t just chill out

The more I went into the room, there was this force

Pulling me.

At first I did not fight it

Because it had me. all of me,  and I think I liked it

I believe in the back of my mind I wanted it to control me,

But the shit just did not feel right

Especially at that time of night

So I started to resist, and the force would pull me a bit harder

I call myself trying to out think it, but it was just a bit smarter

Never in my life had I felt anything like this pure evil before

I was scared as hell, fighting the forces of hell,

That was trying to take me back with them to hell

My body was taken with several arms reaching out to me

With this invisible force, like a vacuum pulling, and pulling, and pulling me

I looked back at the corridor of my bedroom door, and there was my girl

Looking through my phone, saddened as if she had just lost her deceased grandmothers pair of pearls

And straight ahead of me was this woman I just met

She had been doing EVERYTHING that I had been pleading my girl to do for me, and had not done yet

This woman had been telling me that she needed me,

 my girl had been telling me the same the same stuff

This woman talks to me instead of at me,

and my girl is a little diamond in the rough
as much as i did for my girl, it never seemed to be enough
the few things i desired from her, she made it as if it was too much

This woman willingly encouraged me to do what my heart cries for

My girl has my heart, as well as a little bit more

Will I allow this force to pull me away, KNOWING this is not where I need to be

They say you cannot love two people at once, I wonder if they was including me.

“xpressurself”

Life Awakened......

I was feeling lifeless, and worthless, with no focus, no direction,
no sense of urgency, no mutual connection
 voice unheard; no projection
feeling like garbage in a compactor, lack of introspection
 sitting in my own pool of tears, accepting my imperfection
Then she came over to me, and straddled me, and I had no objection
 Then she inhaled, and BLEW LIFE INTO ME; mental erection
Her words were massive, with careful yet constant injections
 Pointing me erect, in the correct direction
SHE BREATHED LIFE into me, she gave me conviction
She spoke life into me

Someone got it right...

The only reason I fight so hard to be heard, is because I need someone to just tell me to hush…. Listen. THIS is what you need to do. I just need someone to

Hear where I am coming from (for a change), and not compare everything I do with someone else. But to allow me to explain myself. Talking is not one of my strong points, but I so yearn to be pushed and encouraged; supported. But I have gotten to where I would rather go outside and sit on the porch, or go to the back yard and chill with my dog. Not as if she understands anything I am talking about. But she will sit, listen, and without judging me for the way I think, or for the way that I am, she will simply look back at me, as to ask me, why have I stopped rubbing her on her head. She will then either take her paw, or with the tip of her nose, place my hand back on her head, and rub. And for a little while, I have just spent time with the best friend a man could ever have. She got it right. Just sit with me, watching the trees dancing with every breath of the wind, listening. I just wanted to hear everything will be ok. yyeeaaa, but I will take what I get.

"xpressurself"

By a photo

By a photo, I saw her and for years I was intrigued by her eyes, beauty, her smile

Pondering if there was a chance, that she could ever be mine

By a photo I wondered what her life would be like

Was her past so bad, is she living right

Would I ever have a chance, is she worth the fight

By a photo, that wall that she hid behind, would she ever find

A peaceful refuge, that moment in time

That breath of fresh air, that true intimate look

so she socially hides behind the media's look

A time she could just be her, and no one would care

By a photo, being that mirror no one understood

I could not fathom what happened to her, no one really could

To be touched in way that God never allowed

Yet she hides behind selfies, trying to fool the crowd

By a photo, alone she sits

Remaining that chic, that no one really gets

Showing herself to world

Just wanting to understand her own life, and why someone

Would take something so precious from her as a little girl

“xpressurself"

“Unspoken Words”****************

 

Without uttering a word….

As she sat in my lap, kinda curled up in a fetal position.

I am use to her talking, so I prepared to listen.

And she without a murmur, mentioned that her day was long and tiring and,

Affection is all that she desired

Inspiring me to pamper her, as she tightly gripped my neck

She just needed to be held, with no signs of neglect.

The respect she wanted, I gave it, with no hatefulness or resentment.

It felt like she was searching for some type of contentment

For my, commitment bared no mercy. On the couch trying to rest,

She lowered her head, planting her forehead to my chest,

At best, her soul just wanted to be touched.

Gripping her tightly; holding her compassionately was enough.

All of that stuff she has had going on was weighing down heavily

And with unspoken words, I sat quietly; respectfully.

She needed empathy, and she received it. She just wanted to be held

And not bogged down inside of this invisible shell,

With no voice she yelled, and many things were made very clear.

She was open; for a short second, she felt no fear.

No tear, no worry, no issues, no sounds were heard.

She revealed all of this utterly silent, no expressions, no words

unspoken, uncluttered, unveiled, unheard…

Speaking loudly through her actions: no misunderstandings

just bold unspoken words…

"xpressurself"

12/30/2014

well damn....

she really does not know me
i mean, i see her sitting right in front of me
but she does not hear anything i say, but at least i know NOW
what she thinks of me
any and all things that i have done it seems like
it was all for nothing...
not to go into the woe is me thing
but i look at what i actually have to bring
to the table. not even a thank you
but instead i see all that i do wrong
well damn, what do i do right, is this really where i belong
now i guess she wants to follow me everywhere i go
she wants to know everyone i know
FUCK, it was an inappropriate conversation
with a person i dated, 18 years ago.
 been actual best friends for the last 10 of those years
but now an inappropriate talk has gotten us here
hell, seeing that me coming right home still gets me in trouble,
i wonder what would happen if i start staying out late.... wwwooooeeee.....
now i am just like.... fuck it.....
NNNOOOWWW i am REALLY bored....
"xpressurself"

"NOOSETIGHT"

Noosetight and I can not breathe….

My girl thinks I am cheating
because I use to talk to other chicks

Yyeeaa, I know this shit had to stop,
but I had no one else to play with

Being a good nigga,
go to work and came home

And sometimes I WOULD walk in and she had that face,
 that said leave me the hell alone

Ok, I ignored it,
 because I knew that was not the case

I understood some things was bothering her,
and I was not wanting to be that bad taste                   

So as tired as I was,
I would be silly and cuddle

And she LOVED that shit,
though there was a house full of others

Taking into consideration,
there are a lot of hurt, frustration and pain

And me being the man that I am,
I did not want to encourage the strain

So I didn’t, but I listened,
and I thought I was being of some help

What real nigga wants his girl to have to deal
 with hurtful shit by herself

And she NEVER asked for anything,
yet and still I desperately wanted to supply

She was down in life, but still building herself,
and she allowed me to be her guy

And although I wanted to be just that,
I still needed some type of release

I felt like I had a noose around my neck,
hell, this noose tight and I can’t breathe

I wanted to be able to talk about how bad my day was,
instead of coming home to a bad day

I was careful with my speech,
I had to watch how and what I would say,
That noose that was around my neck, 

 that noose tight, and I can’t breathe

What I needed I did not have;
i needed just for a free mental release
My mind was molded by God,
so i need an area to play
i need a place to stand in this world,
 instead of just sitting in one place
But i love this woman so
and this chain i just refuse to break
But GOD HAS to become more prevalent in my life
mostly for my well being, and for my life's sake

2TDM  
 "xpressurself"