What happens when I want to kiss you

What happens when I want to kiss you?

My mental state is under attack, with mindless emotions

that i have had for the past 5 or 6 years knowing and hoping

for that opportunity, yet unbeknownst me, a distance was approaching.

We are just friends; true?

i gotta be careful not to pour it on too fast

give it all i got, boy don't come at her half assed

all gassed up yet cool with it, but be easy. her mind is caught up with her past.

I am a "G", and I see this shit through

utterly speaking, needing to exhale these phrases,

as my expressions go twisting a-bout, coming and going in phases

critiquing my words, they remain dormant, with safety.

for what reason am I so afraid of you?

I came alone for a reason, I promise I did not come here for this, 

your rush to bust is worrisome, what are we here to accomplish

my vulnerability is unsettling, my screams are coming unhinged

what happens when I kiss you

I am here alone and I didn't come here for this.

I can either keep you around or push you away, I did not come here for this

how should I kiss you, do I really want it like this

no, I do not want you like this.

The flow of resentment (restart)

 She said..

You just need to get here, Get yourself placed, on these grounds.

Dont fear, i feel like God is wanting you to just come on down.

There is a lot down here for you

I can help you with what you are needing me to do.

I know, you have said to me you do not want to leave your job just yet.

You want to be sure to get a score first before you say yes.

I get it, i do, but i just feel, you just need to get here.

Get here, we can figure it all out.

I got you until you get a score, we will be good til we figure it out.

When your business gets off the ground, i feel like God is telling me you got us covered.

You will be just fine, we will not worry to suffer

I need you here, i am a proverbs 31 wife.

This house will be made a home, and we will enjoy our life.

Baby, just come. Just get here. Everything will be just fine.

Stop worrying yourself, i know you hate to burden anyone else, i am preparing for you to be on your grind.

Babe, I love you, this injury is a huge set back

I will be ok, but when are you driving back

Well, i am here, and yes, God blessed me with my occupation.

I get here to my own mental struggles, and false connotations.

Partial thoughts, led to partial explanations.

The money ran out, leading to panic and degradation.

Unconditional love, is really love with conditional expectations.

moving... (restart)

i really did not feel like doing  moving
but i had to
the problem with moving all of your baggage is
the things you had, and was probably important, for
one reason or another, they were placed somewhere
or you accidently hid them from yourself.
and it was for you only, exposed to no one else
so the whold while you are sitting around, or whatever,
living your life, you never thought about those things
 that had been placed, or hidden from yourself
that you kept away from everyone else
going on from day to day, with no
thoughts about time.

10.16.2024

Love lost

 I love love, though I've lost the form of loving and seeing it through

Life has a way of removing the true essence of living and redirecting the truth.

The beginning of things are usually characterized by what's in front of you.

For a real and honest person, the beginning is usually the honest truth about you.

As life goes on,  some of the best  songs are written by our own pens.

Our minds see what we want in our future praying our past never shows up again.

Are we perfect, of course not, do we try, Most definitely.

We do what we can to be the person the other wants us to be.

Wanting to be needed is essential, and as important as breathing.

Though they continue missing that life line, you often wonder what it is they are seeing.

I see you, and i always have, though there is still much to be learned..

 Through the mistakes and the pain, sun and the rain, it is understood, the respect isn't gained, but earned.

I am not who or what I was, and trying to not hate is becoming hard

I will keep telling myself, this is not my fight, then why am I still getting scarred?

The best teachers offer the best lessons, and life is still molding and teaching me the unimportant things that need to be tossed.

Only love makes a person change, and i love love, with all of the.new new,and i am OK with all that has been lost.

"2TDM"

II Corinthians 5:17-18 NKJV

[17] Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. [18] Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, 

https://bible.com/bible/114/2co.5.17-18.NKJV

"MAYDAY MAYDAY" One day in May

 Happy bday to me

Happy bday to me

Happy bday to mmeeeeee

Happy bday to.me

"May, 2009"

The 3 wise men and I, hoping

I.can get assistance.

Wisdom and direction,

 I needed this.

Hurting and trying to

Dismiss this.

But I am being told

To briefly take a back

Seat to the masses.

Why should i care about

Their asses?

The end of my life....

The end of us....... 

May , 2012

Gotta get home

The weather is bad

Careful Dare devil,  the day

Before Memorial Day just wanting

To make it home. It's dark and its wet

and the water is swelling and the rain 

Is really.coming down.

Not much that can be done

When your vehicle begins to drown.

May 22,-2015

A gunshot hits hard when its

Burning through  your skin

Fear feels  a bit real

when there is a hole in your skin

Panic totally consumes you after 

watching uour fluids pour out your skin

This is the beginning of my end, I

Totally did  not deserve this.

May  19 2017

Sssoooo, as if it was not bad enough,

It was raining outside.

This stanky bitch starts all this shit,

Then to top it off, she lies

I was simply wanting to go to sleep.

I truly just needed some rest.

Not being at my best, 

feeling less and less

Calm and more irritated.

One more lick, now I am 

tired of the shit.  Still maintaining

But trapped behind that damn steel

From truth being fabricated.

May 2023

Look at me. Now...

Just look.at me

Happy birthday to me

how wonderfully fearful

The Bible told them that they were fearfully 

and wonderfully made
their path was wonderfully paved
as they sat fearfully away
as a fearful slave
all awhile sitting around rotting from day to day
The only hope they had was when they would kneel down on
 their rice planted knees and
their  cotton picking hands, fearfully kneeling to pray.
They had hope, as well as faith
they held on tight to that from day to day
steady reading the word,
though to some this may sound absurd, but they would wait for what God had to say
they did not realize that the whole while they was sitting waiting
God was pretty much doing the same. Waiting for them to believe
in HIM.
when they MOVED, the fear started to brake
when they stepped out of that fear,
then slowly, with their own steps, they started to make
and oh how wonderful they felt, with those deep breaths they began to take
they would stand up to their master, full of rage
now realizing just how fearful and wonderful what it was God had made
They made their own footprints, traveling their own way
at this point not really giving a damn about what anyone else had to say.

 

UtterlySpeaking.....

Psalms 139:14 NKJV

[14] I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

https://bible.com/bible/114/psa.139.14.NKJV

Dating... No Truths - II Corinthians 4:18 NKJV

Dating is debatable.
The necessity is not verifiable.
Send me truths, that are reliable.
Explaining when, and what I am supposed
To do.
Fools search for perfection in a person
Only to end up with years wasted.
But you dated for so long, when the truth
Was always in your face.
If only u listened when you FIRST asked
 God To show you if you should go forward
Do you still think you would have gone onward
Our hearts will get us killed, our minds
Work just fine.
Common sense ain't always common
But our senses  point out those signs.
Now look at you, fear has now set in.
The fucked up way shit ended is  keeping
You from how you should begin.
 no truths lie in dating, who are you really
Getting to know.
Just a few conversations are needed, and
The darkness will fade out
HE  will allow that light to show.
"UtterlySpeaking"

II Corinthians 4:18 NKJV

[18] while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

https://bible.com/bible/114/2co.4.18.NKJV

HE Protects me

My FATHER keeps me grounded....
Though the anguish compels me
satan knows where the key lies, but God's love drives me.
Denying me the satisfaction and gratification of rage that has me aroused
HE protects them from the pain and vengeance that's  housed.
HE keeps me grounded.
The tune of the lies has a melody so potent
Sounding the alarm
yet no one notices.
Who am I protecting, while the bullshit against me is so astounding.
HE keeps me grounded.
HE said vengeance will be HIS, towards the evil orchestrated appointed.
HE made HIS statement clear, no one shall harm HIS anointed
"UtterlySpeaking"

II Chronicles 20:17 NKJV

[17] You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, who is with you, O Judah and Jerusalem!’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the Lord is with you.”

https://bible.com/bible/114/2ch.20.17.NKJV

the awakening - James 1:2-4

preserverance

efficiency

God

temptation

persistent

James 1:2-4New International Version (NIV)

Trials and Temptations

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

In the awakening of the dawn, walking in the light

standing straight, observing the bait, God has me ready for this fight

I had that straight and narrow march, with a little rock from side to side

had not eaten in several days, weak, yet praying, reaching deep within for my pride

I promised God and myself, that i would fast for 21 days

only the spoils from the earth, and water, from spark up, until i the vanishing of the sun rays

Work is becoming hard to manage, while keeping respect and home training in tact

Oooohhhh, but my supervisor is really pissing me off, he really needs to step back

Taking instructions from the Word of God, and  my obedience will not waiver

Its day 20, OOHHH and there is plenty of goodies in the refrigerator

FATHER I THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMPOWERING LOVE, EMPOWERING ME TO FINISH THIS TASK

ONLY FOR THE PLEASURE OF BEING IN YOUR PRESENCE, THIS IS THE ONLY REQUEST THAT I ASK.

BUT I AM FAINT AT THIS MOMENT, AND I AM CALLING YOU TO LET ME STAND

Doing what I need to do, to endure in HIS spirit, and I give YOU all that I have..... 

"UtterlySpeaking"

I DO LOVE YOU

I love you so much....
some may think i am being thirsty, or needy,
well I am, and I am man enough to admit it
I need you like the desert needs water
i need you like a smoker needs to quit
I need you to take your hand and cover me.
i know I am a man, and and i know what i am supposed to be
but YOU made me this way
By the things you have done to me
and the things you would say

**i be all blushing and stuff,,**

imagine that, but in the midst of me
being in my feelings, you assure me everything will be OK.
You would tell me to stand up, and stand still
while you orchestrate my steps.
O' wretched a man I am, you understand my mistakes
and you help me to correct me, all for your sake.
 what i faltered, being as gentle as i need you to be
You get a lil gangsta with me in the process, and
trust, that is just fine with me.
you continually tell me, be not afraid or dismayed
stand ye thou still, assuring me, this is your stage
Vengeance is not mine, this is certainly your fight.
Washing me daily with the blood of Jesus Christ.
 I am constantly amazed by your blessings and such
I can not thank you enough,
and GOD I love you sssooo much.
" Utterly Speaking



I'd cry aloud
you remained to yourself, though i needed......

To my church

To my church

There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you

were called in one hope of this calling;

You and I are one.

I knocked at that door, and you opened it,

And when you took that oath, you were then baptized

In the circle of life that involves the art of submission

That will be practiced by us.

True indeed, I am the head.

And I will serve you from this day til the

End of time,

Simply because you said you would accept

This calling of being all mine after

the first time you lifted me up before HIM.

You accepted this calling

Just as I came from my place of which

Life continued to give me a devastating blow.

Knowing that I will eventually die for you.

All I ask is that you accept me as the head, and I

Will serve you, while I teach you, as well as lead you

I will not rule over you

But I will guide us in building this temple

All for the sake of Love.

Unconditionally……………..

After your tears,

we were baptized into one body,

and we were made to drink of one Spirit.

Your body is now, not your own, but mine,

just as, My body is not my own, but yours,

Taste………… and see….

For I am……. Your husband, and you are my wife.

And I will serve you… as such….

“UtterlySpeaking”

Ephesians 5:23-26 NKJV

[23] For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. [24] Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. [25] Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, [26] that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,

***standards***

we are not supposed to have standards.
we are not supposed to be able to think for ourselves,
or have any type of demands.
There is no need to have likes or dislikes, even if
everyone else agrees with them.
there is always some type of opposition with him,
having to have the mind set on defending himself as soon as the sun rises.
not only after you walk out of your door of your home, because
right before breakfast you are met with surprises,
and the manipulating arises
MY KING is starting to sound like a trap because
THE KING gets no peace.
what exactly are we leading nowadays, besides being
great while all needs are met, but when you fall off, here comes you are lazy,
 no good, and weak......
Oooohhhhhh but when we do speak.
We are mean and inconsiderate; speaking our minds are only for the sake
of us strengthening our egos.
YOU AIN'T NO RREEAALLLLLL MMMAAANNNNN..
is this really how a relationship goes???
who really knows?
when every being inside of you is trying to be true.
yea, sometimes it involves everything you hate to deal with
it is the good as well as all of the bullshit.
but, who really has all of the rules on what to do when you
finally tell that person that you truly love them?
After that, the beginning immediately becomes the end.
because after those words are uttered, you basically have no where else to run.
you have to take the good with the bad, big or small, however it comes.
there is no one to blame but YOU because YOU spoke the most overstated phrase known to man
without knowing the true meaning, having different motives at hand.
what, you thought it would all be easy, with daily smiles and giggles?
will your heart always agree with your mind,
 WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER THAT RIDDLE
at this point it is not about standards, it is about making a decision,
do you still want to be the king of the chaos
or the leader of your household,
As was Christ with the church.
when you say "you love them" it does not have anything to do with how you are feeling
but it has everything to do with what are willing to deal with.
so take a deep breath, and rule..... with standards
"xpressurself"

me and my face...

I am always told that i look mean
as if i always  never have a smile on my face.
i look as if i have a chip on my shoulder
like i see everyone as someone that is out to get me.
could it be?, or maybe this is a face that has been through a lot of roller coasters.
well if you ask me...
my face has nothing to do with you.
and for you information, this is not a frown....
I just have my mothers face...THANK YOOOUUU...

I woke up like this

They always call me the life of the party.
Always got my teeth showing in front of somebody
I love to get out, the dance floor is my zone,
usually, I have the most fun jamming alone
it just feels.......... safer that way
Thanking God for one more mercy, given to me one more day
 because before i complete brushing my teeth for my performance
and washing my face,
cleaning all of the pain and regrets from the past away.
i sit in the mirror holding my mask in my hand;
vigorously trying to understand.
And do not come at me with that ole church talk.
If you want to pray, then pray, but keep if for your flock
God and I already have an open conversation-and
NO ONE can come between HIS and my relation.

no one sees behind the mask, i am crying.
my heart hidden in plain sight, shriveled up dying.
hidden from even the people I am suppose to be relying
for my faith and trust in everyone is gone.
and i am totally tired of hiding from every one,
this feeling of being alone just sucks ............ass....... ugh
I mean, me hiding is better than the alternative.
I decided, God is the ONLY one who determines how long i should live.
That should not, and is no longer my decision.
It will be over soon, but until then, i choose to keep on living,
keeping my life internal, continuing being the life of the party.
and you will probably never know anything because you never ceased the opportunity,
or even put up a fight,  to actually get to know me.

I went to sleep at the party. 

I woke up like this. Introverted. Dancing only with me.
"xpressurself"

"How should I be?" (Restart)

How am I supposed to be me when being me makes so many others uncomfortable

It’s not like I am destructible, or corrupt

It is not like I can just tell everyone to adjust.

I stay to myself a lot of the time, mainly just because

I know my mind is so big and open to whatever is

Out there

God made me so no one could be like me, and I am not the type

To sit closed minded and in a box, I don’t think that’s unfair.

I am a visual individual, must be a mental aboriginal

I think I have been here before,

My realistic imagination is formidable

Maybe it is because I believe in the possibilities

Just like, I believe It is possible for man to dwell together, in reality

I believe that people do not always have to want and want and want

I believe Cops will lay down egos, and stop killing while being so nonchalant

There is the possibility that I am able to be me, without being judged for not wanting to be like you

I can speak as I want to speak, and write what I want to write, boldly about what I believe to be the truth

I believe in the possibilities that my past will be accepted

There is this possibility that my upcoming failures will not always be expected

It is possible that a husband and wife’s stereotype will be a marriage of at least 20 plus years

I believe the status of Christ will no longer be black or white, but be what he is, which is God that walked down here

Like I said, my mind is full of hope, and maybe one day my words spoken soon will be life existing

And though life is twisting us around, maybe everyone will come around to be as GOD mentally coexisting

Yea, I know… it was a good thought though.

And I believe that possibilities are endless, and maybe me speaking more will lead more to do right

Because I know he strengthens me, I can do all things through Christ……

The one described in the Bible….

Isaiah 53:2

2              For he grew up before him like a young plant,

and like a root out of dry ground;

he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him.

Revelation 1:13–15

13 and in the midst of the seven lampstands One like the Son of Man, clothed with a garment down to the feet and girded about the chest with a golden band. 14 His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and His eyes like a flame of fire; 15 His feet were like fine brass, as if refined in a furnace, and His voice as the sound of many waters;

I can do all things through this guy………..

Which I believe to be the truth……

“xpressurself”

<<<<<*****I Need to Tell Them (a child's story)*****>>>>>

I just want to say to them, I am sorry

I just have an impulse, and I just did not think it would be that serious

I thought it ok for someone my age to be inquisitive and curious

I have been told, “get your lil bad nosey ass away from there and have a seat”

I have been told “ go sit your MF’ing ass back at table and finish what I gave you to eat”

I saw some matches on the floor, right next to the couch

Yes, I have been told “ if you touch them again, I am kicking your ass, put them back down… NOW.

Each time I would stop, right when it was stated

Each time I would get punched in the face

4 years of life can be pretty cold

But, look at all the games I would receive when I turned 5 years old

3 days after my birthday, I had the best time of my life

I was playing with my video games it was my cousin and I

I was winning, and he was trying to catch up me

HA…. Now that is something that I would love to see

In my cousin trying to win, he broke the handle to the joystick

And it was not him, but me who got hit

I have been told “you need to protect and watch your own shit,

Because ain’t nobody else gonna do it”

But I guess this day, was already a bad day

All I wanted to do was stay out of their way and play

I never thought I would be in this place, no not by far

I was awakened on this machine that was helping me breath, in this small room in the ER

I really do not try be bad or in the way, I am greatful for what they do for me

So, Mr. policeman, and Ms. Nurse lady, yes there is something else I want to say,

I just want to say to my mommy and daddy, say to them, I am sorry.

“xpressurself”

I Want My Life back

 

I really wish we could get our lives back.
I stand as a man, like everyone else, but where are my rights at.
No, the hats that I wear, are not the same hats that you may wear in combat.
But why attack my differences,
as if I am some type of hindrance,
where in the HELL they do that at.
I have a mind, a heart, praying for the means to be able
to carry all the upcoming weight on my back.
Please stop trying to piss me off, because my rage
Can indeed be a fact
God said vengeance was HIS, well I am in HIS image
Which means I am HE, and my anger will pound on your back
So please stop that.
For when I finally open my mind, it is time for you to draw back
I am a God amongst kings, a savage to my enemies and I WILL fight back
I only want to live with you, we should not have to exist with the pack
I am trying to be nice to you, but it seems you do not want that
I am standing as a man, and my black attack tactics are in tact
And I am getting anxious to use them, though I don’t want to
I only just, really just ……………………want to have my life back
“xpressurself”

""I Got You""

As I held her, she told me…………..

Baby, please just tell me that you love me

I been in my feelings for the longest time, and

Right now I am loving your embrace.

I never knew when I would, once again be in this place

With this uncontrollable  smile on my face

And because of you I feel misplaced.

This is surreal.

And as much as I am trying to not like you

I find myself loving you, though I know I do not want to.

I got some past issues that are forcing me to want to reject

What you are showing me.

But, the things you are telling me make me

Feel more at home.

Because you see, I have heard that from these fraud ass niggas

Nothing ass male figgas

These metro-sexual ass borderline bitches

Liars in every form of the word tell me how much they

Want to do for me

How they want to do nothing else but encourage and lift me….

And look at you… you are actually DOING it…

So right now… baby please…. I know that I am currently in my feelings….

But…………

Baby, please just tell me that you love me

While you are holding me firmly with your tight embrace….

With these tears running down my face

This is surreal.

And I am so loving this place…

“xpressurself”

"snc"