i Am So Sorry

 

I really just want to apologize to you.

Who am I to question anything you have done

out of all of the chaos i have caused, and the sins

i have committed, and still been brought from where I came from. 

i  want to apologize to you

even after i have said to you what i would or would not do

i stood before you after i called on you and just flat out lied through my tooth

whether intentional or not, no matter the reasons or excuses

there is so much sorrow and the need for forgiveness from you

i need to apologize to you

since the beginning of time you have clearly expressed

the hate you have for sin.

i feel like i break your heart and fit the description 

of when i was said to be a worthless worm

the wounds of my past and present are settled within me

and are a bit of a concern.

i thought i learned to deal stress, and hurt, and guilt, and heart-break, and

and loneliness and shame

anxiety has taken over me, my broken emotions is what consoles me,

i am looking for something, but i am not even sure what's its name.

but, in Jesus' name, what have i to gain, so please forgive me because

i would really like to apologize to you.

i am struggling with this thing that we call life, and it is currently

tearing my butt down

i be on my side of the field trying to figure this all out, but

this journey is long when doing it alone.

you have told me, that your grace is sufficient, you are all i will ever need,

but the confusion is baptizing my mental.

according to your word, i should not move according to my own understanding,

though I have, and I can not even lie and say that it was not done intentional.

it is just not that simple.

my actions were not only faithless, but also unwise.

you want our obedience and trust in you, not sacrifice, and Father, I really

want to apologize

listen to my heart

Luke 7:44, 47

44 Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.

47 Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”

 

this disdain for love has become a sour feeling in the spirit

can you not feel it? do you not hear it?

she gave all of her, even the precious small of her. placing it all on the broadest parts of her

she loved much, but no one ever reciprocated even the smallest bit back to her 

the more that was given, the more was appreciated and she gave and gave until she didnt

so much has been taken, that her gift of forgiveness has been locked up and hidden

forbidden from the world, including from herself for that was her whole secret to living

driven into that box of insecurity and mistrust

she loved love, until she didn't.... 

too many moments where her love was returned just a little

so her love became scarce, and she began to love more of a little.

like the small of a mustard seed, she feels just as little

with an over-sized heart, it has become feeble and brittle

she knew of this man from the chatter and talk around the town

she made her way to the place he was about to fellowship, for he was known all around

now the breathlessness has arrested her and her heart is taking a while slow down

she is now feeling a sense of helplessness from the sinful yet selfless actions of her past

how does she approach this guess that is about to cross near her path

this uneasiness has become her reaction to stress.

now the irritability of her restlessness has  put on a brand new test

He walks in, I can imagine he is looking and possibly waiting for a traditional greeting

but everyone is questionable about how they are to greet him,

from the thick of the dust from his possibly long journey

then there was her, overwhelmingly emotional and inadvertently un-wordy

faucet running from her eyes, forming a puddle onto his feet

she dropped down, with the tears from her eyes, and some oil she carried, she began 

to with the wool of her hair she wiped til it was complete

life has impeached her for so long, and the love that she has been so often searching

that love stood right in her shadow as if they were submerging.

she became the most important example of the evening.

do you think the men in the room were actually listening???

I bet it went way over their heads.