All is well with my Soul.....

Tis the day the Lord hath made, and thus far all is well in my soul
Through the months of depression and anguish and fear, and other emotions that I have tried to withhold
I rest on the comfort in knowing that my days come one day at a time
Some days I am so damn angry, and others I am doing just fine
Me being a Gemini is the first excuse most pull to their simple minds
OMG, this dude is bi-polar is the other excuse that I seem to be confined
I have learned that my tolerance for stupidity, and unconcern for me brings out the worse in me
i have not tried to be the ass that i am, but as for this moment, this is how it has to be
At one time it was me that use to give all that I had for others, without looking for anything in return
The person that I THOUGHT God had given to me would be the last person on earth that would leave me out there to be burned
So the trust of a woman in my life is gone, and I have no idea how to get that back
Many claim to be down for me, but it is themselves they focus on keeping on track
Me being honest is a given, but being forceful in my speech
This is not who I am, this is truly not me
When I sense bullshit, my phuck you button is pressed and I drift away ever so slowly and cautiously
Will I ever be reprogrammed into who I am, I will in time; prayerfully
I have recently realized that I MAY be damaged goods, it was recently brought to my attention
I pray I am capable to open up again, to hurt anyone is never my intention
But I am that I am, and my phuck it button is out of service until that moment my dumb shit tolerance level is triggered
I will remain isolated in my little island of solitude, and just come out to visit the sun randomly i figure
I will deal with those that i KNOW love me, and took the time to know how i became who i have become
As of a little while ago, but whole being has just become so numb.
I have been visited by my Savior, Jesus and he has given me a peace of mind, for I wish to again be made whole
As for today, this is the day that the Lord hath made, and thus far, all is well in my soul

TAKING BABY-STEPS (john 5:1-8)

look at all of these people, walking around, crossing over me
as if i am invisible and not where i need to be.
just like them, i need a blessing for this ailment that is within.
i been here so long daily, from day front to day end
waiting, twit-ling my fingers, hoping someone would just... lend me a helping hand.
taking me where i have always prayed to be, just to feel that feeling of being man
just to be a part of something, is this dream that i sought,
to move forward in this venture that makes me giddy from the mere thought
not necessarily for finances, but for the passion that lies in the midst.
I just have to get it on and running, but my motivation always becomes hidden
i become my own stumbling block, blocking myself from moving forward, because i realize i am unable to move,
i need assistance in getting to my miracle to do what i have to do
being able to stand on my own,
but until then I will waller alone
then here comes of a man, looking as if crossing me over is his main goal...
but instead he looked down at me and asked me " WILT THOU BE MADE WHOLE"
I looked up at him with that "woe is me" on my face,
each time i try to get to my dream, i am crossed over and then replaced
then the man just looked down and said, PICK UP YOUR MAT & MOVE...
TAKE NO EXTRA BUT WHAT I HAVE TOLD YOU, AND DO EXACTLY WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO
he then told me, GET UP, STAND TO YOUR FEET AND REGURGITATE THESE PATHETIC EXCUSES THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN IN
TAKE UP YOUR MAT, WHICH ARE ALL OF THOSE ITEMS YOU HAVE ACCUMULATED AND CARRY THEM TO THE TRASH BEND.
NOW BEFORE YOU HAVE ANY TIME TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND FOOLISHLY BEGAN TO TALK...............................
 
"WALK"
TELL NO ONE OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED, BECAUSE YOU JUST MAY DAMAGE YOURSELF BY TELLING SOMEONE ELSE YOUR PLANS

AND THEY JUST MAY BE USED AGAINST YOU, AND YOUR DREAMS COULD END UP IN ANOTHER S HANDS
NOW MOVE AS I TELL YOU, YOU CAN NOT DO ALL OF THIS TOO FAST
MOVING FORWARD IS REMEMBERING,  BUT NOT DWELLING ON YOUR PAST
NOW REMEMBER THAT YOU WAS IN A STATE OF LAZINESS, WHICH IS ALL THAT REALLY WAS
YOU SAT THERE FOR SO LONG WAITING ON SOMEONE ELSE TO DO WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING, BUT MY FRIEND, THAT IS NOW ALL ABUZZ
NOW YOU HAVE TAKEN UP YOUR MAT, BUT THAT WAS ONLY THE FIRST STEP
THE NEXT ONE IS TO KEEP IT POPPING, BUT LOOK FOR YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER, AND NO OTHER BEING FOR HELP
WHEN YOU FALL I WILL LIFT YOU, WHEN YOU BECOME WEAK, I WILL GIVE YOU STRENGTH.
I AM HE THAT CAN GET YOU TO MY FATHER. I AM HE THAT WAS SENT
THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS YOU HAVE ALL THAT YOU NEED WITHIN YOU, YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE
ALL I AM SAYING TO YOU, IS JUST KEEP IT MOVING, BUT DO NOT RUSH, FOR THIS IS YOUR BEGINNING, JUST TAKE BABYSTEPS...
"xpressurself"

WHY I WISH TO SPIT.............

I was asked the question, why I wanna learn to spit,
 
I wanna spit for the sake of keeping it real, saying exactly what it is i feel
no one can ever say to me that i said something good and later on i am looking for an appeal
i spit for the realization of knowing that i have something to say
that will probably help someone on their journey, on their way
when they get down on their knees and do not know what to say when they began to pray
i wanna spit for my dudes that carry on that load, as we weigh ourselves down as we trod down that road
holding all that mess in our hearts that we are afraid to let go
from not having that MAN in our life just to say yes, or no, and our mothers end up running the show
i wanna spit for my sisters that act like a bitch, when no one understands their lives and the crap they deal with, because of these nothing ass niggas' bullshit... thinking about how can they live with our wit,
we would prefer to conquer the world with our dicks, and our Queens are just getting tired of that shit..( NOW I DIGRESS.......)
i spit for those trying to move forward in Christ, when the holier than though are really not that nice,
and us lil ole sinners become smaller than rice, and those that we SHOULD look to for guidance are either trying to be enticed, stealing money from God, or trying to sleep with the other members wives...
THIS IS WHY I SPIT....
i spit to keep my sanity in tact, because i admit sometimes i do not know how to act. i must vent to keep peace within myself, in fact,  i want to express myself and build myself up with the strength that i lack
i want to spit for my mother, and my sisters, the real ass women in my life, my best friend, and my lady, and for the hope of again finding a wife, my nephews, nieces, my God-baby, my grandparents, my uncles, aunts, cousins, my haters and all that have helped me make it through all of this unnecessary strife
I want to spit for the sake of keeping it real, saying exactly what it is that i feel, expressing my love for being in love, and telling of how love has made me feel... and the marks of where i have gotten hit
this is why i wish to spit
"xpressurself"

God is a Great,,,,

how great is he that keeps us from bumping into a brick wall

at the last minute he catches us from that mighty fall

moves those big holes in our walkway so we can continue to walk on that path

BUT WE STILL ALWAYS FALL IN, it is not Gods fault you choose to walk the opposite way so fast

how often do we get off of that straight and narrow, and begin to go the way WE pick

and we allways call on HIM when we fall face first in our own shit

either we are taking too long to get to where we are trying to go

Yet we end up taking 3 times longer because we wanted to lead the show.

then when we get so far in trouble we have the nerves to ask God why did he take us that route

and God be like, **REALLY, SERIOUSLY,  WWWOOOOWWW**

so, what does he do, he takes us back that same route, just to show us what was really down that path

and though we took it upon ourselves, he hid the dangers from us, only scaring us and i would not be surprised if he was laughing at our dumb ass

and that same place where we left off, he is still there, READY to takes where we were suppose to go from the jump

willing to carry us through the hard plains and mountains, and dangers and scarry stuff.

And the funny part is that we still have the ordacity to still complain when things still do not go our way.

Well I will put it like this, God is still the best in my book, and that is all i have to say

we need to get our minds right, and start thinking about how we got to where we are

he could have left us at that detour we took, and left us lost, and afraid, and scarred.

i know this is not church, but we need to thank God for all that he has done

and each time satan came and grabbed us, praise God for the victory he has won.....

There is nothing that i would not give

how in the hell did i get into this.
something that I thought i wanted, but DDDAAAMMMNNN, TO THIS SHIT
i gotta say it is nice, but I know i gotta occasionally tighten my g-string up a bit
this feeling i have to admit, this is something i never had, so it is something i have never;missed
Me and my being defensive over something i asked for , kind of makes me a hypocrite
but i do not want to hear about myself, not even a little bit
i need to do this, and i need to do that..... ain't that some "ish"
i wanna be who i am, and do what i want and live how i want to live
i just know that i can't do that, but what is it do i have to give
i have been told, "you  don't like to listen, and  am like, it is what it is
i is just who i is....
i be thinking mind your business, leave me alone live the life you live
BUT after all of that to feel like i am being looked after, loved and cared for, and not used in the process, there is nothing that i would not give

did i really do that?

as this day begins, i release myself from thinking i can conquer the worlds issues on my own
i personnally take myself away from the world of  giving my life to the outside world of beong in control
there have been damage relationships, broken hearts, and pissed off people in my life that have counted on me to keep things together
instead i would take my frustration andother peoples negativity out on some thinking i would be able to hold it down
thinking i could do the same with those in my circle, with those that i needed, with those that i tried to keep around
i stand right now a coward, pleading to god to accept my failure and allow me to move on with my head in the air
father i thank you for doing what you do, and keeping it real with me, for your chastizement is painful but ever so fair.
all i can is you point out my issues and place them in front of me so i can not say that i missed them in the process
i know the deal, it is painful right now the way that i feel, it is a lesson though, nonetheless

Death To The Beginning....

is it possible to be in love with someone, while loving that person, loving money, loving sex, and on top of it all loving god.
yes it is.....
is it possible to be in love with someone, while loving that person, working on making money, needing to keep up with the desires of your heart with the person that u truly love,  and on top of it all keeping a relationship with god.
yes it is....
one person where there are two in a relationship can not do it. unless there is a mutual participation it is not possible. the secret to being in any relationship is acknowledging who the person is that has the better knowledge of the other persons weekness, bring the two together and make it happen. the only way this will be possible is by being able to actually listen to the other person and learn from the other person. when you aaalllwwwaaayyysss want to be ther per that knows everything, you basically piss on the other person. and on the same level, when you think you always know what the other person is thinking, or know the other persons life, there begins the breakdown of the relationship. until the two individuals are able to come out of themselves and put themselves into the other person, this will be the start of what a relationship is really suppose to be about. there are several ways to attain money with plenty of hustle, the desires of your heart with much love, as well asmaintaining that love relationship. our past keeps us from moving forward. actually we end up becoming products of our past. this is death to a relationship to itself and another blog all together.....
to be continued.....
xpressurself