I am that..... a Man.... (“DEPENDABILITY”)

I thought I was built to be the stronger person, the one that was there when no one else was

The person that kept things going even when it looked like all hope was lost

Through a lot of heartache, laughter, tears, and misunderstandings, I did what needed to be done

But then when things got entirely too demanding and the real battle had begun

I had thoughts of giving up, even when my stubborn ass was dead set on completing what I started

It is like I lost focus because of what was in front of me, while looking at everyone else being ice hearted

YOU stepped in and observed for a minute, YOU looked at the look on my face

Looking at the conditions of where I stood, standing in my own dry spirit trying to fill this dead space.

I still wanted to do it on my own, and I looked for ME to get it done

I did not need to be anyone’s charity case; I was the only male, my mom’s only son.

I mean, to prove I could do it, this was a role I needed, I could do it if I did nothing else

OH how proud I would make the others, if I did this by myself.

But, still YOU watched, YOU observed, YOU focused, never leaving me on my own

Although YOU never stepped in to save me, your presence was always known

After so long I finally got to the point where I was losing this crazy fight

Everything I was wanting to do by myself ended all at once, in one night

I got helpless, and felt like I was nothing because of the mistakes that I would make

Things I did, as my mother looked on, and after the first time I saw her tears; at that moment I had to break

I fell to myself, but did not look to myself, but I called YOU for the first time in this situation.

I called YOU, and almost before I started the first word to my last sentence, YOU had me in deep consecration

For the first time, I had a total mindset to depend on the one I should have called on from the jump

YOU showed up, and YOU showed out, and YOU made your statement, telling me enough was enough.

YOU made the issues go away, my confusion was at rest, YOU totally came through

And you did just what you always do when i finally decided to depend on YOU.
I am human indeed, I a your creation, I am stubbornness above what any other human can understand.
I never was able to get it right the first time, i am selfishness, I am that I am..... a man.... 

"xpressurself"

"Sigh of Relief"

There was a long pause in the middle of the Lake, and the only thing I found myself doing was sitting there so I could get a good listen

I watched, as the sun rays just sat on the top of the water, and I was in awe by the way the reflection glistened.

I talked to the water as if it had a soul, but later found out that indeed it did

A huge smile came across my face, and I became extremely giddy, you could have sworn I instantly became a kid

I saw the Glory of what was in front of me, and never paid attention in the months before

My eagerness to receive it, grew bigger and bigger, making me yearn for it more and more and more

If I never saw anything else, or witnessed what was before my presence

I would never be able to testify about its glorious essence

The water had such a spirit about it that made me WANT to be around it daily

I asked God if he could make this happen, down and simply said “SURELY”

Are you worthy to have what I have to give you, will you cherish it the way it needs to be cherished

I have something far more intriguing, and beautiful, and only needs to be nourished

There is this spirit of love, devotion, and the confirmation is all in the air

God gave me what I asked for, and I will be DAMNED if I mess this up, and let it go anywhere

The water was good, but this spirit of God’s love is priceless and can NEVER be replaced of duplicated

No one or anything can get in the middle of this thing I was given, for I earnestly supplicated

Well HE gave it to me, I have received it, and it is in my heart… nothing else matters to me

(big inhale real slow…. Big exhale real slow) OH what a joy, and a sigh of relief……….

“xpressurself”

My Responsibility.... No Longer in Me...

Walked in the courtroom and my knees buckled

I faced the prosecutor

And the executioner

And I was asked, did I do it

Did I have a past that I truly regret

Did I do and say things that would force

me to lose my respect

HOT DAMMIT, I did it I tell you, it was me I admit it, now leave me the hell alone

My past is just that, my past so please stop handing me back my old bones.

I want to beat you with it, slap the hell out of you with my skeletons that I am trying to hide

But your egotistical, holier than thou ass just will not allow me to leave my past behind

It was me that ravaged that beautiful tall glass of water, I swear it, but she begged me to

Now what type of man would I be if I did not oblige, come on now, what else was I to do.

She was standing there looking all watery, and vulnerable, and she just wanted to be held

I felt bad in the beginning, but I did that, I hit that, did I like her or love her, a player will never tell???

I did what I did, and it was what it was, I mean her sister should not have been talking about it

If she never would have opened her mouth, she never would have known about it

HUH? WHAT? WHAT EVER DOTH THOU MEANETH????

All of the dirt I did in the past, it is up to me to clean it.

Yea I triggered a dude, he was being rude, and I only asked him to PLEASE not stand so close

He looked at me looking at him, could I have moved away….. yyyeeeeaaahhhh I suppose

I WAS THERE FIRST DAMMIT, I WAS ALREADY IN PLACE.

He pushed me, and I only aimed it his way, I was not TRYING to hit him in the face

What do you mean just let it go, I would if folk would let me

I hear about my past actions daily, I wish all of they asses would just forget me

I put that CD back in its spot, I never walked out of the store, I would not have gotten far

I was only riding with those dudes, I did not help them break into those cars,

Yea, that drag from the Mary J. got into my blood, but I never took a puff

OK, OK, PLEASE STOP…. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

I know, it is my responsibility to change if I want change, and change is my main option

My past will never go away, it will never be forgotten

This is a new day of living and this is a different me

Running up in a sexy fine chic just because, no longer is that me

Running with the goons at night, no longer is that me………

Smoking that Dro is long gone, no longer is that me….

My lonely days of solitude, no longer is that me…

Being just so damn rude, no longer is that “totally” me… iamjustsaying…

Being over sensitive, upset for no reason, no longer is that me…

I must show that I am capable of being responsible and disciplined if I am to be the man that I am trying to be

There are many who act as if they are NOT watching me….

I must stand as a man, so please understand that this new way of living is different for me..

it was me I admit it, now leave me the hell alone, and let me now be who God has called me to be….

Aborted Opportunity..... Non-Existant......******************

Hello you,
I just wanted to say hi.... I have been thinking about you a lot lately
The hopes i had of our union have been vexing my soul greatly
I remember those possibilities i had of actually holding you in my arms
though it was brief, yet real at time, i still hold that feeling so strong
i see your face and what it would have looked like, if your existence would have just came true
but it remains only that, a vision....a perfect imaginary image......... of you
i loved you even though i have never touched you, for my admiration unlike you, is so real
Only God knows how i feel
 i am not getting any younger, but i have nothing to show for my life
I have been able to touch most things i have yearned so long for, and it was nice
The one thing that i crave is the one thing i have yet to have
where is my cradle, my up in the middle of the nights, my tickle me elmo bubble bath
i see daily how many of these chicken shit ass bastards negate the most precious thing known to man
i have watched how, upon creation, their destiny as men and fathers tend to fall short of God's plan
Though a man like me has to accept the broken pathway of Queens decisions to self abort life as if it was their decision to make.
God's will is God's will, and it is a pathway i am forced to take
so I will.... humbly, with animosity for my first real chance that i once had
so sad... it could have happened, it should have happened..... it didn;t happen... so, so, sad
but it still seems like the joke was all on me....nonetheless, i still, only just wanted to say hello,
though i have never seen you, or experienced you mere existence..... i still miss you. and i do love you so..
"xpressurself"

Father do you hear me?????????

Father can you hear me,
i whisper this prayer to you
not that i am trying to be silent
but my humility is overdue
i laid in bed alone last night
and i awakened covered with your spirit
i felt it dettaching itself from me
and it spoke, i just could not hear it
i felt it and sensed it speaking
but there was just no tone
immediately i blinked
but when my eyes reopened, he was gone
Father can you hear me
PLEASE tell me what does this mean
what was your spirit trying to tell me?
Father speak your word, direct my path,
send me your blessed word
is it because my sins have blocked my hearing
God have i finally gotten on your nerves?
My life has changed for the better
though it still seems i am still in this ditch
what on earth could it be
MY CHILD, NONE OF THAT IS IT.
I HAVE GIVEN YOU WHAT YOU HAVE ASKED
YET YOU STILL TRY TO REMAIN MILD AND MEEK
YOU HAVE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY FOR LOVE,
FINANCES TWEEKED, AND YOU HAVE EVEN ASKED ME TO TEACH YOU TO SPEAK
YET YOU TALK WHEN YOUR PURPOSE IS SERVED
AND YOU EVEN GET JIGGY WITH IT EVERY THEN AND NOW
YET YOU ARE STILL WAITING ON SOMETHING
AND I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT IT IS NOW
TAKE WHAT I HAVE GIVEN YOU FIRST
AND DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO
THERE ARE MANY MORE THINGS THAT I HAVE
IN STORE JUST FOR YOU
 YOU HAVE SAID TO ME: "yes Lord,
Lord, I will certainly do your will"
THE IDEA SOUNDS REALLY GOOD DOESN'T IT
JUST SAYING IT SEEMS LIKE A THRILL
MAKE YOUR VOW, BUT KEEP YOUR VOW
AND MANY OTHER THINGS WILL BE ADDED TO  YOU
YOU KEEP ASKING ME DO I HEAR YOU,
JUST LIKE ALWAYS MY SON, INDEED,
 INDEED, INDEED I DO...
"xpressurself"