From The Hands of The Potter ( Jer. 18:4)

I stood as a man with all that i needed, and wanted for a season of my life
I had a vehicle, house, money out the ass, even blessed with a beautiful wife
I stood as a man with nothing to want for, but much more would really not hurt
But i was not a greedy man, so please understand i took life just as it was worth
I began to gain weight as a married man, and when people would come to ask me
They would say, marriage does you well dude, you getting kinda fat,  and i would always respond while rubbing my belly, this is not fat, this is what i called happy.
That was the life for me, me being the King in my castle, she the Queen in my life
wwwooowww, the whole thought of ME being married, ME having a wife
I can not explain what the deal was, or even how the end started to come nigh
Not sure when the sudden change in life occurred, but never thought to ask the question why?
We did our thing though, and kept it moving as we saw fit
O.M.G., we were loved together by others, but I guess the enemy did not like it
Nonetheless, at some point, it went on a spiral plunge to the worst, and life happened
Needless to say, this is not the way i ever thought nor imagined.
when the end happened, the tunnel to a new beginning was on the prowl
i did  something that tore me up, and made me realize that life is really not all that fowl
I fasted and prayed in the midst of being depressed, i asked God to show me my faults
Show me where I failed, and what should i have done, show me what foolishness, i myself, had brought
One thing I have learned, is ONLY ask God for what you really want him to do, and the other stuff, i should have let it go
There were several things about myself that i regret that i did not know
He knew what attracted me, and what caught my attention, and what i would open my mind to
I started looking at myself in the mirror almost daily,  and even though i had knowledge and wisdom, i REALLY had no clue
I had become broken to the thought that i was who i was, and what i had become
Why on earth did no one bring these things to my attention when i asked, where did this stuff come from
i had become marred, broken, twisted, confused, wanted to just say F-it to it all
Let me just isolate myself, and do what i do, and if i fall, then i just fall
I cried out to God, and i fussed at God, and i calmed down and asked him to make a new me
I told him i needed to become the man, leader, Husband that he wanted me to be.
I asked him for another opportunity, and each time i thought that time was here
He moved me around... and around... and around to another side of me that I did not want to hear.
So now i am here, at the spot that i am in, still being molded, and tested, but instead of switching vessels, he is only polishing this old ship i sailed up in.
He knows what he made, he knows who i am, so he kept those things that he had already put in place
That other MESS that i accumulated, he viewed as dirt, while I looked at MYSELF as a disgrace.
I can still see the hand of God placing his hands around me, applying pressure, with force squeezing me.... mending me.... stretching me.... still loving me.... showing me the light to when he will be relieving me
You see, he is not done with me yet, as a matter of fact, i am touched by the thought of being in the hands of the Potter's
i have been through the ice, of being cold and alone, while going through the heat, as the fire of life got hotter and hotter
i have been taken out of the fire, now i am being cooled, and as you know it takes time for the molding to dry
So, now comes the patience, as i sit and observe all the things i have learned on the way, with ALL FAITH that i have GOD RIGHT BY MY SIDE
the molding is not of a perfect appearance, but because of my tribulations, that appearance matters none
he has worked on the man, then on the leader, now the last one is in the making, and again, my life, will once again be begun.... Thanks to the hand of the Potter..... and He said it is good with Him...
"xpressurself"

Say Something

Go ahead and let’s talk about this, because this is something that needs to be mentioned

This conversation should be amongst the top stories of LIFE, for no other reason

I am a witness of being a statistic of being raise by a mother on her own

Only I have been protected the first years of my life, at such a time, she was not totally alone.

I cannot take all of the credit away from my dad though, because he was there for the early part of our life

But the time that I most needed a man to teach me to be a man, he was MIA, even there as she patiently, and painfully sat and eventually ended the reign as his wife

men have a lot to say about silly and dumb shit, that really makes no sense, or is of no importance to anyone, and are constantly trying to take over their hood.

speaking about the last chic they screwed, that last item that was purchased, and there is nothing wrong with that, hell that is all good

TO THE FELLAS.... let's say something that matters,

say something about the struggle of a mother, being the only one to take care of something that it took two to make

Having to figure out how to move forward in life, taking the bullshit she has to take

say something........ about having to live as two individuals, that most of us have such a hard time living as one

Raising a girl for a woman, is not too hard, but add on the uncertainty and unknown wisdom of having to raise a son

Some say it is not possible for a woman to raise a man, ssshhhiiitttt, you must not have met the women that I have seen do it

Yes, it takes a village to raise a child, well true that, but to witness some strong women do it

to all of my real dudes and you nothing ass niggas.... say something

about a woman making $20 stretch to purchase $95 worth of food

Getting up, making sure the kids are up to go to school, making them lunch, getting them out of the house, then to go to work doing what she got to do

not giving 2 shits about the fraud ass niggas that are noticing her struggle

having to deal with the “hey ma’s, ey you’s, and the woe daaaaaaamn baby’s” as she refuses to give a rebuttal

I thank God my mother taught me how to not take shit from a chic

How to be careful and stay away from the riff raffs, you see my dad was not there for that shit

She taught me the simple things like the right way to shake a man’s hand

How to be respectful to everyone, even if they are not necessarily respectful to you (I am still working on that one, but hell it was a lesson....... that was given..... to be learned..... iamjustsaying)

She always taught me a lot of things which at that time, I really did not understand

ACTUALLY I really did not get it until I finally became a man

my mother prayed for assistance, and God sent her some women that literally took on that task

of helping my mom in doing what was needed most, help in raising my throw-ed off ass

I will not get too much into it, but to all of the single women that is doing what you do, 2^nd to God, I give you thanks and a standing ovation.

Behind the stress that you deal with, the disappointments, and constant frustrations

The baby daddy drama, your PHUCKED up attitude for whatever that attitude is for

I give you much love and respect, for the things you do, the BS you deal with, and I know it is much more

I thank God for looking after you and your mental state, keeping you sane and so much stronger than us

I got nothing but respect for you, keep doing what you do, because I know, we can do a lot more, we certainly do not do enough.

“xpressurself”

another one gone.

that topic came up again, but no one really paid attention

like for the ump...teenth time, he made it a point to mention

everything that was on his mind, all good and bad intentions

and through all that heard his cry, there was still no type of intervention

it was pushed under a rug as if no one heard of his mission

i mean did anyone really need his permission

now his blood is on all of your hands because you pretty much allowed him to make the incision

this dude was smart and intelligent, becoming a sophmore in high school was revelent
unfortunately, got connected with the wrong group of guys, and got this female pregnant
but of course it was an accident and you and his new friends commense to mock him as ignorant
to make a long story short, you did not listen when he insisted he was contemplating taking his own life
instead of saying a few words, or letting someone know, you just allowed him to go....
but i digress, that was not your fight, nor your right to get involved
who knows though, there is that possibility that his issue could have been resolved
but that was his decision, he could have went another way
and what would have changed his mind, what could you possibly say.
how about.... GOD loves you more than anything and taking your life is not the way
You have so much to live for, come with me and let's pray
even just listening to what he had to say, giving him some time, though you didn't have to, but again that is not  your business
you were only a witness


we often walk away from a person because we are never wanting to get involved. But we will certainly judge after the fact. And we are considered Christians.... SMH....
REALLY???
"xpressurself"

On the skin.... it is just a test

On the skin, there lies wounds that may never be healed…
 wants and needs not fulfilled…

A soul that is probably already killed…..
 with an enemy lurking that is perfectly skilled

Able to lay away for the perfect timing…
 wait for the attack as feelings and emotions, with finally a sense of total excitement are continually climbing

To heights unknown by any man, woman, nor child…
 yet the stench from the garbage of yesterday surfaces at will, while being covered by confusion and lies from the wild

Even though those ties have been broken….
 How can it rest when it is constantly being spoken?

Trust issues arise…. Things will never be the same…
 regardless how much leverage is gained

A seed has been planted, and the bush began to grow…
 there is nothing that can be done with that, except to wait and to be shown

What place is this that I sit and wait…
 Do not tell me this is where you belong as you slowly operate by hate

There are several places that you feel you must be….
Stop wasting your time if you feel you must be free

Go now birdy take your last flight….
 Go as far as you can, as you reach new heights

Just promise that place where you left your eggs…
 that you will not return, use your wings not your legs

God has given you that ability to lift off and fly…..
please do not look back, and I will not ask why

Little birdy you have escaped so much harm in your past….
 Fly away little birdy, you are free alas.

No more harm will hold you down never more….
 Go in peace and  explore ever more, forever more….

To sit at the top of the tree is usually the safest place…
to sit and chill with no haste

But just fly little birdy and find  your place in life…
 stay away from the storm, it will only cause strife

As you fly to your destination, find a safe haven to rest…..
 you are still at your  beginning stage, and this is just a test…..

...........

what is the basis of the things that you speak of
you try to make sense, but that is impossible when you talk about love
is there anything else that makes you think for a change
running all around, totally deranged
having to wait around when you know you messed up
given an altermatum that you know is not sticky stuck
i mean you do what you are asked, and things  still do not work
you should have fixed some things from the beginning, instead of being a jerk
the reality is here, of what is to become
what is to come? karma is a bitch, and she will come.
"xpressurself"

I am trying...... it really does not matter

Father i am trying to be patient, and I am trying

but the urge is too strong for me, and there is no need in denying

Even when she is not in my eyesight i smell her scent

when i look around, to search for her, once again i am wondering where she went

i have spent a great deal of my life with distractions that i incurred on my own

and each time you come around, there goes another, and when i look up each time you are gone

God sends you back around for a reason

Even now, i really do not understand, but dammit I am definitely listening

now, i have prayed for many things, and each time i have received

This is one thing I thought wouldn’t even be a thought because of the time between

Now you have placed me in positions where i have learned who I am

Finally I know what i am to do, my purpose in life, but why now, i mean mmmaaannn

Yes you have given me my assignment, and you have taught me patience to the 5th power

you have taught me how and when to silence myself, and to stop trying to be the man of the hour

I have always known how to accept the good with the bad

to get what I get and take care of it, no matter what it is i had

God I am asking you to grant me my life with what i have encountered for close to 20 years

grant me the excitement and calmness that i feel EACH time she comes near

This is the only woman that i can honestly say that I would snatch my frik’n heart out and give it to her is she needed it

and would not even worry about replacing it

what i have which is not much is all for her

her  mistakes, issues, her situation i will not take it, but together we will deal with it

hell i will help you with that monkey, but i will not invest it

I mean, we made our own individual beds, but i do not see why we cannot lie on that mattress together

We can fight this shit, whenever, however, forever

I am just praying God allows us to do it..... TOGETHER...... HOWEVER... WHENEVER.... TOGETHER....

with blood sweat and tears..... To me, it really does not matter

A time of change..... in Love

Thank you father.... i thank you for your many mercies that you have given each day… the many times i have messed up in your eyes by not doing the things that i would say… I pray…. In the near future I want to get an understanding of why things happen the way they do… why is it I can’t focus more on my assignment, which has come from you… Now father, I really do not want to talk, but if it is ok, I would just like to vent for a second… just to tell you some things that have been on my mind, and I reckon, that while I am releasing some much held on aggression, it just makes sense to go ahead and have a “come unto Jesus” session……. Ever since my separation and divorce I never gave myself a chance, to dance on my own and allow myself to lead ME, and re-direct my life plans. I wanted to act out for a while, and show my butt, and just be Van. I never did that, as a matter of fact I stayed in my marriage program, being cool as a fan, something many will never understand. But I am a man, nigga get on out there and do what you do, this is what they are expecting from you, I just could not get myself to carry it through.  Still programmed with the things that was deposited from wedlock, I got all these big ideas of focusing on this proposition of having my own, doing my own, and being able to do these things ON my own… well, long story short, I am still in it, hard to stay focused, but I do plan to win it. I am on the right track, I have passed the beginning. Many distractions I faced, and love I embraced. Love feeling sssoooo good, after I actually got a taste .i mean I loved Love, and I still do for it has been so good to me. It showed me its many forms, and love showed me some things about me.  So I became an advocate of love, loving the whole meaning of its being. And I saw that it was not sex being the pulling wheel, but just believing. I realized that love was my distraction from moving me in your direction. Love became my other god, now I stand before you in submission. And with your permission, I ask that I be forgiven for placing you second. You were my first love, that should have never been replaced, and as for me, I reckon there is a section in your word, that I need to pay more attention to. The 4th verse to Revelation 2…. To be continued…..

Exclusive.... Exclusively... ***

The poet spoke, but was not heard.
So many things going on at once, with no understanding of
What is happening to himself.
So he instead, insists on not saying a word.
Life has come at many angles,
as this has been one ride after another.
The fact of the matter is he does want to see him
But, does not want the fight of life any more...
I just don't want to be the reason for the pain,
Because, of the thoughts of believing in another
So don't bother.
He kept you close, with a mighty fight
He didn't keep trying just to have you run away,
But without you, it just does not seem right.
You came into his existence at a time
When he needed you the most.
You did something,
To his way of thinking,
That encouraged me to accept love in the open.
Now, i am hoping.
I hope there can be some type of rekindling for his soul,
Because he has been broken.
And coming back to reality is inevitable, though
It may just take a little more time than it was originally factored...
But the hassle is worth the fight...
Even unto death...
Yes even unto death...
I mean after all you died.... for US.
And you came back , and a different person he was.
But right now i there is no more fight left.
He came back beating down your door,
And now he sits in his own sorrow,
Today, praying there is forever, a tomorrow
And a place of where he needs to be.
You died for me, him, US, so please,
 allow me, him, US to live for you.....

"xpressurself"
9/4/2011

Who is me?

I am that I am, and that is who I am to be

I have tried to come up with reasoning to why I was made to be who you see

Many things I have changed about myself, that are gone for good

If I could totally change anything else, I am certain that I would

I have been predestined before the day I was born

My heart is a place of refuge for most, is this a blessing or a thorn

I maintain a constant battle, I maintain a consistent ambition

The love I have in me for people raises an ongoing suspicion

Take me or leave me or throw me out to the ravens

Ain’t no funny motives, and I am not in need of saving

Just a sincere approach to try to expose my being

Why am I built this way, the answer is extremely freeing

I am that I am, and that is who I am to be

My reasoning for being this way is that is how God made me……..
"xpressurself"

All is well with my Soul.....

Tis the day the Lord hath made, and thus far all is well in my soul
Through the months of depression and anguish and fear, and other emotions that I have tried to withhold
I rest on the comfort in knowing that my days come one day at a time
Some days I am so damn angry, and others I am doing just fine
Me being a Gemini is the first excuse most pull to their simple minds
OMG, this dude is bi-polar is the other excuse that I seem to be confined
I have learned that my tolerance for stupidity, and unconcern for me brings out the worse in me
i have not tried to be the ass that i am, but as for this moment, this is how it has to be
At one time it was me that use to give all that I had for others, without looking for anything in return
The person that I THOUGHT God had given to me would be the last person on earth that would leave me out there to be burned
So the trust of a woman in my life is gone, and I have no idea how to get that back
Many claim to be down for me, but it is themselves they focus on keeping on track
Me being honest is a given, but being forceful in my speech
This is not who I am, this is truly not me
When I sense bullshit, my phuck you button is pressed and I drift away ever so slowly and cautiously
Will I ever be reprogrammed into who I am, I will in time; prayerfully
I have recently realized that I MAY be damaged goods, it was recently brought to my attention
I pray I am capable to open up again, to hurt anyone is never my intention
But I am that I am, and my phuck it button is out of service until that moment my dumb shit tolerance level is triggered
I will remain isolated in my little island of solitude, and just come out to visit the sun randomly i figure
I will deal with those that i KNOW love me, and took the time to know how i became who i have become
As of a little while ago, but whole being has just become so numb.
I have been visited by my Savior, Jesus and he has given me a peace of mind, for I wish to again be made whole
As for today, this is the day that the Lord hath made, and thus far, all is well in my soul

TAKING BABY-STEPS (john 5:1-8)

look at all of these people, walking around, crossing over me
as if i am invisible and not where i need to be.
just like them, i need a blessing for this ailment that is within.
i been here so long daily, from day front to day end
waiting, twit-ling my fingers, hoping someone would just... lend me a helping hand.
taking me where i have always prayed to be, just to feel that feeling of being man
just to be a part of something, is this dream that i sought,
to move forward in this venture that makes me giddy from the mere thought
not necessarily for finances, but for the passion that lies in the midst.
I just have to get it on and running, but my motivation always becomes hidden
i become my own stumbling block, blocking myself from moving forward, because i realize i am unable to move,
i need assistance in getting to my miracle to do what i have to do
being able to stand on my own,
but until then I will waller alone
then here comes of a man, looking as if crossing me over is his main goal...
but instead he looked down at me and asked me " WILT THOU BE MADE WHOLE"
I looked up at him with that "woe is me" on my face,
each time i try to get to my dream, i am crossed over and then replaced
then the man just looked down and said, PICK UP YOUR MAT & MOVE...
TAKE NO EXTRA BUT WHAT I HAVE TOLD YOU, AND DO EXACTLY WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO
he then told me, GET UP, STAND TO YOUR FEET AND REGURGITATE THESE PATHETIC EXCUSES THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN IN
TAKE UP YOUR MAT, WHICH ARE ALL OF THOSE ITEMS YOU HAVE ACCUMULATED AND CARRY THEM TO THE TRASH BEND.
NOW BEFORE YOU HAVE ANY TIME TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND FOOLISHLY BEGAN TO TALK...............................
 
"WALK"
TELL NO ONE OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED, BECAUSE YOU JUST MAY DAMAGE YOURSELF BY TELLING SOMEONE ELSE YOUR PLANS

AND THEY JUST MAY BE USED AGAINST YOU, AND YOUR DREAMS COULD END UP IN ANOTHER S HANDS
NOW MOVE AS I TELL YOU, YOU CAN NOT DO ALL OF THIS TOO FAST
MOVING FORWARD IS REMEMBERING,  BUT NOT DWELLING ON YOUR PAST
NOW REMEMBER THAT YOU WAS IN A STATE OF LAZINESS, WHICH IS ALL THAT REALLY WAS
YOU SAT THERE FOR SO LONG WAITING ON SOMEONE ELSE TO DO WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING, BUT MY FRIEND, THAT IS NOW ALL ABUZZ
NOW YOU HAVE TAKEN UP YOUR MAT, BUT THAT WAS ONLY THE FIRST STEP
THE NEXT ONE IS TO KEEP IT POPPING, BUT LOOK FOR YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER, AND NO OTHER BEING FOR HELP
WHEN YOU FALL I WILL LIFT YOU, WHEN YOU BECOME WEAK, I WILL GIVE YOU STRENGTH.
I AM HE THAT CAN GET YOU TO MY FATHER. I AM HE THAT WAS SENT
THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS YOU HAVE ALL THAT YOU NEED WITHIN YOU, YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE
ALL I AM SAYING TO YOU, IS JUST KEEP IT MOVING, BUT DO NOT RUSH, FOR THIS IS YOUR BEGINNING, JUST TAKE BABYSTEPS...
"xpressurself"

WHY I WISH TO SPIT.............

I was asked the question, why I wanna learn to spit,
 
I wanna spit for the sake of keeping it real, saying exactly what it is i feel
no one can ever say to me that i said something good and later on i am looking for an appeal
i spit for the realization of knowing that i have something to say
that will probably help someone on their journey, on their way
when they get down on their knees and do not know what to say when they began to pray
i wanna spit for my dudes that carry on that load, as we weigh ourselves down as we trod down that road
holding all that mess in our hearts that we are afraid to let go
from not having that MAN in our life just to say yes, or no, and our mothers end up running the show
i wanna spit for my sisters that act like a bitch, when no one understands their lives and the crap they deal with, because of these nothing ass niggas' bullshit... thinking about how can they live with our wit,
we would prefer to conquer the world with our dicks, and our Queens are just getting tired of that shit..( NOW I DIGRESS.......)
i spit for those trying to move forward in Christ, when the holier than though are really not that nice,
and us lil ole sinners become smaller than rice, and those that we SHOULD look to for guidance are either trying to be enticed, stealing money from God, or trying to sleep with the other members wives...
THIS IS WHY I SPIT....
i spit to keep my sanity in tact, because i admit sometimes i do not know how to act. i must vent to keep peace within myself, in fact,  i want to express myself and build myself up with the strength that i lack
i want to spit for my mother, and my sisters, the real ass women in my life, my best friend, and my lady, and for the hope of again finding a wife, my nephews, nieces, my God-baby, my grandparents, my uncles, aunts, cousins, my haters and all that have helped me make it through all of this unnecessary strife
I want to spit for the sake of keeping it real, saying exactly what it is that i feel, expressing my love for being in love, and telling of how love has made me feel... and the marks of where i have gotten hit
this is why i wish to spit
"xpressurself"

God is a Great,,,,

how great is he that keeps us from bumping into a brick wall

at the last minute he catches us from that mighty fall

moves those big holes in our walkway so we can continue to walk on that path

BUT WE STILL ALWAYS FALL IN, it is not Gods fault you choose to walk the opposite way so fast

how often do we get off of that straight and narrow, and begin to go the way WE pick

and we allways call on HIM when we fall face first in our own shit

either we are taking too long to get to where we are trying to go

Yet we end up taking 3 times longer because we wanted to lead the show.

then when we get so far in trouble we have the nerves to ask God why did he take us that route

and God be like, **REALLY, SERIOUSLY,  WWWOOOOWWW**

so, what does he do, he takes us back that same route, just to show us what was really down that path

and though we took it upon ourselves, he hid the dangers from us, only scaring us and i would not be surprised if he was laughing at our dumb ass

and that same place where we left off, he is still there, READY to takes where we were suppose to go from the jump

willing to carry us through the hard plains and mountains, and dangers and scarry stuff.

And the funny part is that we still have the ordacity to still complain when things still do not go our way.

Well I will put it like this, God is still the best in my book, and that is all i have to say

we need to get our minds right, and start thinking about how we got to where we are

he could have left us at that detour we took, and left us lost, and afraid, and scarred.

i know this is not church, but we need to thank God for all that he has done

and each time satan came and grabbed us, praise God for the victory he has won.....

There is nothing that i would not give

how in the hell did i get into this.
something that I thought i wanted, but DDDAAAMMMNNN, TO THIS SHIT
i gotta say it is nice, but I know i gotta occasionally tighten my g-string up a bit
this feeling i have to admit, this is something i never had, so it is something i have never;missed
Me and my being defensive over something i asked for , kind of makes me a hypocrite
but i do not want to hear about myself, not even a little bit
i need to do this, and i need to do that..... ain't that some "ish"
i wanna be who i am, and do what i want and live how i want to live
i just know that i can't do that, but what is it do i have to give
i have been told, "you  don't like to listen, and  am like, it is what it is
i is just who i is....
i be thinking mind your business, leave me alone live the life you live
BUT after all of that to feel like i am being looked after, loved and cared for, and not used in the process, there is nothing that i would not give

did i really do that?

as this day begins, i release myself from thinking i can conquer the worlds issues on my own
i personnally take myself away from the world of  giving my life to the outside world of beong in control
there have been damage relationships, broken hearts, and pissed off people in my life that have counted on me to keep things together
instead i would take my frustration andother peoples negativity out on some thinking i would be able to hold it down
thinking i could do the same with those in my circle, with those that i needed, with those that i tried to keep around
i stand right now a coward, pleading to god to accept my failure and allow me to move on with my head in the air
father i thank you for doing what you do, and keeping it real with me, for your chastizement is painful but ever so fair.
all i can is you point out my issues and place them in front of me so i can not say that i missed them in the process
i know the deal, it is painful right now the way that i feel, it is a lesson though, nonetheless

Death To The Beginning....

is it possible to be in love with someone, while loving that person, loving money, loving sex, and on top of it all loving god.
yes it is.....
is it possible to be in love with someone, while loving that person, working on making money, needing to keep up with the desires of your heart with the person that u truly love,  and on top of it all keeping a relationship with god.
yes it is....
one person where there are two in a relationship can not do it. unless there is a mutual participation it is not possible. the secret to being in any relationship is acknowledging who the person is that has the better knowledge of the other persons weekness, bring the two together and make it happen. the only way this will be possible is by being able to actually listen to the other person and learn from the other person. when you aaalllwwwaaayyysss want to be ther per that knows everything, you basically piss on the other person. and on the same level, when you think you always know what the other person is thinking, or know the other persons life, there begins the breakdown of the relationship. until the two individuals are able to come out of themselves and put themselves into the other person, this will be the start of what a relationship is really suppose to be about. there are several ways to attain money with plenty of hustle, the desires of your heart with much love, as well asmaintaining that love relationship. our past keeps us from moving forward. actually we end up becoming products of our past. this is death to a relationship to itself and another blog all together.....
to be continued.....
xpressurself

i saw you.....

i saw you.......
from the first moment i saw you enter the room, i carefully looked away
we pretty much had eye contact all night, but not really anything to say
there were subliminal grins and adolescent shy aways, topped off with the coy knods
mayne i am thirty seven damn years old, this shit is becoming too damn odd
i turned away from staring and feeling like a stalker, i started to feel like i was being rude
this is not me, i am usually careful and coy, remaining a real cool, smooth dude
nonetheless, as the night passed, i continued working and doing what i do
as the night passed, you made it apparant that you knew that i saw you

then the boldness that was expressed made for an interesting week
i kept the thoughts in my head from that night and even at night when i would sleep
i was in the middle of a situation that eventually came to an end
there is no doubt god had a hand in this and before you and i could begin
things had to be done right, and indeed it was right
a bit off the normal way things are usually done i thank god for this night
 had no idea what to expect, but i have no complaints, i am a bit overwhelmed to say the least
my uncertainties and fears were some main factors, but i quicky became at ease
i can not hold any thing i did being the reason for the result of us following through
i only acknowledged that i saw you

i mean at this point where we are right now, is unknown by man
it will take many a while before they understand
if only they would realize, their busines it is not
they only need to understand what it is that i got
i received another mercy from god, this is just what you are
another feeding of the five thousand, perfect placement of the stars
another spitting on the ground, for i once was blind
another changing water into wine
i was being groomed for you, allowing my trash to be presented
to be placed in front of me so that i could empty it
to be done with that foolishness that i use to do
he waited for the right time before i saw you.....

This Easter Weekend................

Easter weekend was pretty good for me, even though i had a boil on my ass
it is actually one of the better weekends that i think i have had
Saturday i went to a bday party, and saw family i had not seen in a while
I saw this dude that i wanted to run over him with my truck, then back back over him with a smile
ate some really good food, talked loud for a minute, but i mostly sat still as much as i could
i mean, i had to keep moving instead of sitting on that hard wood
i was scooting from left to right in the seat, trying to find a spot i could put on a good front
so i continued to walk from the front to the back yard, yet trying to keep from looking like a dunse
so i danced to the old school music they would play while moving on my way.
This is pain i have never had nor will i wish on anyone, in no time of day
i am getting ready to leave and head around the corner to a friend of mine house
hung out with them that night doing the Michael Jackson on WII, and i had fun up until i left out
Easter Sunday was cool, went to a buddies church, then left and hung out with my fam.
i love those people, then i left from there, a tired and happy man.
"xpressurself"